I had no idea what a duckpin was but I was intrigued by the can design and figured it had something to do with one of the greatest least athletic sports ever invented: bowling. Turns out, duckpin is a type of bowling popular on the east coast. The pins are smaller, fatter, and harder to knock down. The ball is the size of a large bocce ball (which coincidentally is another of the greatest least athletic sports) but the lane you throw it down is the same size of a standard bowling alley.

I've never tried duckpin bowling but its origin story is pretty fucking awesome. Apparently a bunch of drunk Baltimore Orioles started it in the early 1900s at a billiard and bowling hall they owned. The origin story is still in dispute because everyone was drunk at the time but some red-faced Oriole says he invented the game first and gave it its name. You'd kinda have to be drunk to claim to "invent" a new sport simply by making the equipment slightly smaller. That and adding a third rolling frame is the only fucking difference between duckpin and regular bowling. It's still popular in certain areas on the east coast because everyone is just perpetually drunk here and, aside from birthday parties, only the perpetually drunk seem to bowl on a regular basis. I don't really care who's whippersnapper of a grandpa did a line of coke and thought up this "new" game, I only care if it's fun or not. Since I've never duckpin bowled, I can only assume it's awesome because of its similarity to bowling and the rich, majestic cinematic history bowling occupies. 

The first movie I saw to feature bowling was Kingpin. It's a classic. Bill Murray, Woody Harrelson, and Randy Quaid occupying the same silver screen all while throwing turkeys was a dream come true. If you've seen the movie, you also know it gave us our first bowling finishing move: the Bill Murray strike.

Oh how I pine for the thrill of that strike, the sexy hip thrust you want to make, the body building pose just itching to make an appearance. If you've never done this after a strike, or even a spare, I hope those missed opportunities will haunt you forever.

The second movie I ever saw to feature this illustrious sport was the Big Lebowski, the Cohen brothers classic that still delivers today. The only thing that actually makes sense in a movie with a thousand overlapping plot threads is the desire to go bowling after a rough day. This is the movie that inspired a generation of high schoolers to go back to the bowling alley, go to town on some chili fries, and roll down some pins while listening to the greatest hits of the 1970s. Additionally, it gave us the finest pre-bowling ritual of all time. Enter the Jesus.

The Jesus also gave us cinema history's second bowling finishing move:

It took me a while to notice but Jesus Quintana is a fucking hipster. This fucker rides his fixie to the diner and takes instagram pictures with a DSLR camera.

That gif makes you angry because it doesn't finish. The urge to watch the whole scene on YouTube grows stronger with every unfinished leg grab. Grab your nearest purple one-piece and get your fucking ass to the bowling alley, bruh. 

There are plenty of articles out there comparing and contrasting these two cinema classics. However, the bottom line is that movies about bowling are hitting 1.000. What does this have to do with the beer? Beers about duckpin bowling are also hitting 1.000. 

Nose: Big Malt, Big Hops. Hops take on a tropical fruit aroma.
Body: You can definitely tell it's a double IPA but the 8.5 percent ABV is hidden well amongst the base malts.
Mouth: Smooth bitterness and maltiness throughout. The hops make the same tropical appearance at the end. This is a great beer.

The darkest of beers with a roasty flavor and light coconut taste. Wish I could enjoy this on the islands.

First off, I wish I were drinking this out of a broken coconut. I'm not sure how you would attach a handle to the coconut but the beer's label tells me it's possible so I'll take them at their word. Also, the crack in the fermentation tank spilling out beer makes me think of the elevator scene in The Shining. Except replace the blood with porter. And no creepy twin girls. And no tricycle kid. Alright, that analogy was a stretch. Maui Brewing Company claims their beers are brewed with Aloha. They can brew with whatever the fuck they want, as long as their other beers are this delicious. Yet, I can't help but wonder what that aloha really means. These days, pop culture has a recipe for characters that wear Hawaiian (or Aloha) shirts: If you're the Simpsons, the only two types of people that can wear Hawaiian shirts are fat dudes and party animals. That pretty much simplifies the formula down to bros in college. Well, what if you're not super fat, not in college, and not a party animal? Well, aside from being a fucking loser, you may be in luck!

The picture above is Elvis posing for the Blue Hawaii soundtrack. Although wikipedia tells me Hawaiian shirts had been popular since the 1930s in Hawaii and that their popularity extended to sailors returning to the mainland during the 1940s and 1950s, Elvis put that shit on the map. What zeitgeist didn't start with the King? Blue Hawaii was released in 1961. Just like that, Hawaiian shirts were the shit! An entire beach-themed movie genre was born out of this moment. Before Hawaiian shirts the Beach Boys were a bunch of preppy weiners who probably regularly used the term "bone zone". After they donned Hawaiian shirts, they were surf legends!

Coolness rating: 10

We next meet a Hawaiian shirt on lovable slacker Jeff Spicoli in the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High. What's happened in the last 20 years? Spicoli, ahead of his time, recognizes the subversive nature of wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a tie to a school function in which the dress code is semi-formal. While not a cool thing to do, it is most definitely a statement on the stultifying times that the disco movement ushered in for history's most jaded generation. Rock on, Spicoli. Rock on.

Coolness rating: 5 for actual coolness, 8 for performance artiness

I'm trying to do a timeline thing here but I had no idea Scarface was actually made after Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Tony Montana, casually walking through the streets of Miami with his trusty red Hawaiian shirt and his gun, was on top of the world. While Spicoli evoked a subversive take on the classic cool of a Hawaiian shirt, Tony Montana made it dangerous. Also, red, with hints of white, is a good color for hiding blood and cocaine. Where else can you find that combo but in a Hawaiian shirt? So versatile. 

Coolness rating: 8. All the cocaine in the world can't bring down this fashion statement.

If Elvis brought a little cool to the Hawaiian shirt and Tony Montana brought a little danger to the shirt then Tom Selleck as Magnum P.I. was the perfect love child of that relationship. Just look at the danger in the above photo. LOOK! He's only using three, THREE, buttons on his shirt. I feel like his chest pubes are just aching for more exposure. He's also looking straight into the camera, in a classic Selleck power move pose. He's the physical embodiment of a Facebook "poke". And his coolness factor knows no end. This is the height of the Hawaiian shirt. Danger? Yes. Cheap thrills? Yes. Eerily reminiscent of your father, but in all the cool ways? Yes. Holy Shit.

Coolness rating: 10. It's Tom Fucking Selleck idiots.

Where was there to go but down? Chunk, while you may be Good Enough for Cyndi Lauper, you're still a curly-headed fuck to me. You've walked right into the Simpsons paradox, you son of a bitch. You've taken what could have been the cover of TLC's Crazy.Sexy.Cool album and become the embodiment of a lovable loser. As Troy yells at the wishing well scene, "YOU GOONIE!". Which, by the way, is a fucking weird insult. What the fuck is that word anyways? Also, when they were pulling up the bucket, were they thinking Andy was on the bucket? There's no fucking way. They were barely pulling that thing and seemed surprised when it was empty? Troy is the fucking worst.

Coolness rating: 2, sorry Chunk.

Goonies took us through 1985 and Raising Arizona is set two years later in 1987. Nicolas Cage, while playing a lovable loser, has a dangerous, if not aloof, side to him as well. It's coming back! Leave it to Nic Cage to make everything cool again. His chest hair and mustache game is on point as well. The zaniness of a Hawaiian shirt is coming into the picture with this movie. He's a little bit Spicoli, Scarface, and Chunk (mostly Spicoli and Chunk) all wrapped in one. The rebuilding of the brand is in full force! Progress is inevitable!

​Coolness rating: 7. He's Nic Cage. Fucking NICOLAS CAGE.

Oh great, this guy has to fucking ruin it. What an open butt. His face looks like his ass in this picture and his open, messy, stupid design of a shirt exudes a certain "kick me in the nuts" vibe. I get it, Ace Ventura is an over-the-top character. His over-the-topness here is in full force. So is his hair boner. But the Hawaiian shirt? Thanks a lot, Hollywood. You've taken something from cool to lazy to dangerous to cool and dangerous to spectacle to dumbass. AAAARRRGGGHHHH. One fell swoop and a parody of Magnum P.I. becomes the cultural norm for the next 20 years whenever you think of a Hawaiian shirt. If you pretend you just punched Ace Ventura in the throat, it makes the above picture tolerable.

​Coolness rating: 1

Can a beer taste roasty and sweet at the same time? Can a Hawaiian shirt still be dangerous and cool at the same time? The answers to both are a resounding: YES. The Coconut Porter is an example of doing two things very well. It's the Magnum P.I. of beers and it tastes delicious when I find it in my mustache two hours later.

Nose: Definitely get the coconut.
Body: Dark malts give this a heavy lift and creamy finish.
Mouth: Dry bitterness at the finish but it goes well with the roast and sweet of the coconut. This beer is delicious!

 I know what you're thinking: Oh great, another super hard to find beer, awesome, how original. Well, shut the fuck up. I wanted to try this and I liked it. So there. The first rule of SuperAggressiveReviews is that we do not apologize. You can't ask the Cobra Kai Dojo to apologize without expecting a round house kick to the scrot. Same as it ever was with SAR. On to the beer...

The label above says that this beer is an "intensely hopped and gushing undead pale ale". I don't know what the fuck that means. In terms of the hops, it's true there is a strong hop intensity. What is a gushing undead pale ale? I know what a gushing undead is:

However, this beer doesn't taste like a shitty character who can incomprehensibly talk in Return of the Living Dead. It tastes delicious. Where does this association with Zombies come from? Why would they want to name their beer after a zombie? Granted, when 3 Floyds Brewery created this beer in the late 90s/early 2000s this wasn't even the title of the beer. Cenotaph is the original name of Zombie Dust. A Cenotaph is a greek word that means "empty grave". It's a monument to people who have died elsewhere, a common occurrence in the ancient world when you cared more about the memory than the physicality of a person. How does this relate to beer? How does this relate to the folks who drink their beer?

In the Night of the Living Dead, George Romero turns the zombie paradigm on its head and creates ghouls that rise from the grave and feast on the living. There were a shit-ton of zombie movies before Night of the Living Dead but almost every single zombie created after it has borne elements of its influence. Ok, neat trick. Why do I care? Because popular culture has pervasively shown you that we contain elements of the living dead and our triumph is in defeating them:

"They're coming to get you, Barbara..."
Ben: "Now get the hell down the cellar. You can be the boss down there but I'm the boss up here!"

Think about that. That first quote is one of the first things said in the movie and turns a joke into a nightmare for the main character. That second line shows that even in the midst of total upheaval, the social mores of the day hold true.

In 1990, a George Romero approved remake was released. Barbare was reinvigorated as a strong character who undergoes a dramatic change throughout the movie. Her summation of the problem is the characterization of our pop-culture of the day:

Barbara (pointing to the living dead): "They're us. We're them and they're us."

This was even before everyone was fucking tied to their cellphone all day. Technology's greatest curse to modern society is the inherent memory loss it causes

"We're coming to get you, Barbara!"

The tides have turned, we may have been lifeless duds before the zombies took over but now we have life. Unless you're a total slacker, then you'll turn into a zombie. (Spoiler alert, fuck you).

Walking Dead is the ultimate survival tale. Instead of stopping just after the plague hits, the series tackles the issues of what it means to live in a world where rescue isn't coming and the dead are a constant reminder of your mortality. My favorite quote so far:

"We're not them. They're not us and we're not them"

That was from Season 5 when everyone was down about a certain character just dying (not spoiler alert, everyone dies all the fucking time in that show).

This walk through zombie lane isn't just a place for me to reminisce about fun zombie movies. It's to get at the heart of why an upcoming beer company would name their aggressively hopped west coast style pale ale Cenotaph. Is this beer a reminder of something that's not there? Or perhaps that Zombie Dust is a reminder of triumph over the shitty beer we've been used to drinking? 3 Floyds' philosophy is to capture the many amazing styles of beer that come from just four simple ingredients: water, malt, hops, yeast. To create a seemingly infinite amount of variety from four ingredients is an innovation from the beer of yesteryear. But, there are limits. This beer tastes great, but it's not incredibly epic. No matter how fucking hard it is to find this beer, it's not epic. This beer is the result of four ingredients pushed to their limits but still maintaining equilibrium. Is it a shout out to our own failure to live life to the fullest until we can't anymore? Is that way too deep for a fucking review about beer that's super hard to find? I don't know. Does the name Zombie Dust make me think of that crazy ass potpouri shit that makes dudes eat other dudes' faces? Yes. Are they us, and we them? Nope. All I know is that everybody tryin to get this beer like:

Nose: Citrus and slight sweetness.

Body: A little malty sweetness but it's very smooth.

Mouth: Dry bitterness but an overall citrus flavor that begs for another sip. This beer tastes like a pine tree grew a grapefruit. It's fucking delicious.

Fuck man. This beer was the first craft brew I ever had. I went to college in the OC, and when I wasn't punching surfer bros in the fucking face and shredding my gnar, I was in the UC Irvine Anteater Pub drinking a Pliny the Elder and scarfing down some sweet potato fries. This was my college experience:

Emo. 

Anyways, in breaks between listening to "The Academy Is" and sobbing to "Panic! At the Disco" I was a budding beer geek with a Classical appreciation of this liquid nectar.

In college I was a Classics Major. Do you know what that means? I deliberately chose a major that, by its definition, wouldn't be relevant to anything in the modern world. I was like a college aged Gwyneth Paltrow in Hook: Tied to the past, thoroughly modern in the present, and destined to be an old ass looking Maggie Smith. To be honest, the only reason I chose to buy a draft of Pliny was that I was writing a thesis on him and Columella and how they wrote about wine consumption in Ancient Rome. Actually the thesis title was "Social Implications of Wine Consumption in Ancient Rome". It was a fucking great thesis. It taught me that Romans used to never just drink wine, no, they had to go and mix it with hot water and honey, creating a Calistoga spa elixir of opulence inside your mouth. It probably tasted like butt, however, people loved it. 

Russian River brewery looked up the first word for hops, discovered that Plinius Secundus was the one who wrote it down, so they honored him with the name of their new beer. End of story? No. Russian River entered a double IPA competition in Hayward, which is kind of like entering an Oakland sideshow competition except Bub Rub and Lil' Sis aren't there, and won the whole thing. This was in 2000 when Double IPAs weren't the hipster creme freche that they are today. Since then, the Double IPA is a flagship. The IPA above 7 percent is ubiquitous. You have to have one if you're a brewer who wants to appeal to a broad market these days. Pliny the Elder is to thank for that (the beer not the Roman). Also, Pliny the Elder (the philosopher) is pronounced "Plin-knee the Elder", Pliny the Elder (the beer) is pronounced "Ply-knee the Elder". Yes, the beer pronunciation is 100 percent wrong in terms of the person but who gives a shit? British people pronounce shit wrong all the fucking time! Whatever. 

Anyways, Pliny the Elder (the beer) is a revolution. Yes, I'm going to stand in line at Russian River brewery. Yes, I'm going to rate this beer five stars on Untappd. Yes, I'm going to go to ridiculous lengths to do a beer trade for this beer. It's great, it's historic, it's epic. Are there beers out there that are just as good? Of course there fucking are. Jesus. But this is one to try. It's historic. You don't watch Blade Runner and think, yeah I get it. You watch Blade Runner and think, I can't believe how many Sci-Fi movies since then use the same metaphors/ideas/mis-en-scene/filming style, etc. Just drink it fucking fresh.

Nose: PNW Hops. Grapefruit and some tropical notes

Body: Extremely light and dry. A vehicle for hops.

Mouth: This is a fantastic beer. Dry but so deliciously hoppy. Hops are very present but don't drown out the malt. Medium-bodied, straw-colored, dangerously (8.0 abv) drinkable.

What is space dust? If Neil DeGrasse Tyson told me it was what comes out of black hole's butt hole I'd absolutely believe him. What's in a name? Did they actually put moon dust in this beer? Did they follow the guys who hunt meteors on the History Channel and purchase one of their hauls and then place it in the boil kettle? I don't know. Space is too weird, there's all sorts of weird shit out there. Ever heard of the extreme deep field? In 1996 scientists noticed a blank space near the moon that seemed to contain no traces of planetary or star light. Over ten years they compiled the images, overlayed them, and zoomed ever closer in the space. After ten years they compiled this:

This is the shit. That square up there is the most distant galaxy we've ever viewed. Within that box? Other galaxies with billions of planets, billions of stars, billions of possibilities. Space dust? What the fuck even is that? Gaseous swirls of galactic densities orbiting other terrestrial bogs in an ever expanding oval of curiosity? Shit. Shit. You aimed a telescope at a spot you didn't think contained anything and it contained everything. Space Dust, well, it could just be a clever way to get me to buy a double IPA. Which worked. Fuck. I'd like to believe Buzz Aldrin was tied to an elliptical and the brewers at Elysian collected his sweat as a yeast energizer. That's why the taste is so great. It's probs not true though. Whatever.

This label looks like the moon took a hit of the wrong stuff. So there's that:

Nose: Dry hopped with Citra and Amarillo. You get some great citrus and grapefruit smells. It pulls through and finishes with a nice herbal smell.

Body: Light for an IPA with this much booze. Dry as well. Keeps the bitterness lingering.

Mouth: Gots the good stuff. Bitterness balanced with an earthy flavoring hop, rounded out with that smell. Party on.

Nugget Nectar from Troegs Brewery is a face puncher. It's an Imperial Amber, which I don't think I've ever had before. Style purists would say it's because Imperial Amber doesn't exist. Style purists suck asshole. BJCP lays it out. A lot of smart people come together and collaboratively review and update their styles list every few years. These people know what they're doing but I know they don't want to have the BJCP styles guide to be the encyclopedia of beer knowledge. Beer can push boundaries or it can be a perfection of style. I don't know if Nugget Nectar is a perfection of style but it tastes fucking delicious. You've got big stone fruit in the beginning with a smooth, not complex, malt flavor as a backbone. The bitterness is nice and rounded out. It complements the citrus flavor of the beer in a good way. So what is an Imperial Amber? Who the fuck cares, it's a high-alcohol-amber-colored-hoppy-ale. It's a good beer. If it tasted like shit, I'd rail against people pushing beer into a popular category to get more sales. Since it's not that way, I won't give it the Liam Neeson treatment. I look forward to this beer coming out every Winter. It's a bright spot in my otherwise dark sprint towards Spring. Who the fuck cares whether some stupid ass groundhog will see its shadow? This beer will come out next year and I'll buy it faster than you can say Hopslam.

Nose: Stonefruit and tropical citrus.
Body: Good malt backbone to highlight the hops. A bit thin and dry.
Mouth: Has a lasting bitterness with a dry finish. For such a boozy beer, it hides it well. 
Party on.

This beer has balls. Big brass balls. It came from downtown on a special favor because other beers haven't been living up to Corporate's standards. This beer is for closers only. ABG, A Always, B Be, G Ghosting. Always Be Ghosting. Is it a wheat beer? Is it an IPA? Is it some sort of magical hoppy creation that doesn't really fit into the BJCP standard? Why is there controversy over what kind of style there is? There are White IPAs, there are hoppy wheat beers, there's all kinds of fucking beers that don't jive with traditional styles. Hops are one of the four ingredients of beers. Water. Malt. Hops. Yeast. You don't add extra water to beer. It doesn't make sense to add more yeast. You've got two choices: malt and hops. Malty beers are awesome, but there's a time and a place. Hops are the shit. Hops are the fucking shit. When I go out at night, I rub a little hop oil on my hands and shake everyone's hand around me. It makes an impression. 

The Ghost starts out strong. It spooks you with a tiny taste of what's to come. It frightens me how much this is my go-to beer right now. The scary thing is that it's such a drinkable beer. It's 5.8% but it still packs a scare. Goddammit I don't need puns, it's just a good beer.

Remember how Patrick Swayze was trying to figure out the financial problem with proxy Whoopi Goldberg but he couldn't figure out how to kick a can in the subway until he realized it was all about energy concentration and the weird looking guy in Ghost and all the shadows and all the Demi Moore and OH MY GAHHHHH. This beer is like that.

Nose: Floral and citrusy.
Body: It's a wheat beer so it's full bodied. It helps tone down some of the big hops.
Mouth: It's got a lingering bitterness and a dank flavor. The hops are big but it's still got the balance I like. 

Drink this beer. Make it a go-to. 

Do you remember your first beer? Maybe let me rephrase that. Lots of people do not remember their first beer, it's some random crap a dude named Chad hands you at a kegger when you're in high school. But, do you remember the first beer you enjoyed? Mine's a Corona. And it's all because of Vin Diesel. 

The year was 2006 and my roommate and I were watching a Fast and the Furious movie marathon in anticipation of Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift. Needless to say, from the very first time you meet Vin Diesel, aka Dominic Toretto, you want to be his friend. Actually, you want to be him. He's good with cars, has a sweet hipster pad in Echo Park, he's dating the only woman in the world who has a sexy resting bitch face, and he just oozes charisma and respect. At the time I was driving a Ford Focus that was not hooked up to NOS, I was living in Irvine, CA, and I was dating a woman with a very sweet resting face. I was NOTHING like Dom. Well, if you can't BE Vin Diesel you can at least ACT like Vin Diesel (editor's note: the words Dom and Vin Diesel will be used interchangeably in this short article. It is my belief that Vin Diesel isn't actually acting in the Fast and the Furious movies, he is instead part of a clever hidden camera system catching him reacting to staged events with other actors. Kind of like the Truman Show.)

How can you be like someone so effortlessly cool? One thing that helps? Corona. Take a journey with me:

You can have any brew you want, as long as it's a Corona. WHO THE FUCK SAYS THIS???

Standing ovation. Fuck you, stupid guy not even playing real guitar in the corner of the party. You're the worst! Fuck you, Einstein, take it upstairs! Yeah I brought the Buster to the party, the Buster saved my ass from jail. Reward? Here's a CORONA.

As soon as I saw this I bought a six pack of Coronas and some limes from the grocery store down the street. I then offered one to my roommate with the same line Dom says to Paul Walker. My roommate laughed, I laughed. I thought to myself, I am becoming Vin Diesel.

Dom taught me that a Corona can defuse any situation, even if you offer it in a super aggressive way. There is so much foreshadowing related to this point in the Fast and the Furious. Check out all the intricate Corona details in the BBQ scene that occurs halfway through the movie:

:09-12: First, off, the fire that Dom and Paul Walker are tending to is fucking ridiculous for a BBQ
:12-17: Who the fuck holds a grocery bag like that???
2:03-2:04: This guy is a dick and treats his Corona like shit. Spoiler alert, he dies in the movie because of this.
2:04: Vin Diesel is shocked but can't show his disdain, he is curious how Paul Walker responds to this Corona heresy.
2:07: Paul Walker takes a sensible sip. Order is restored. Vin Diesel now completely trusts Paul Walker.

Vin/Dom just exude charisma through the bottles of Corona they constantly drink in this movie series. It's a very important signifier for Vin/Dom's virility in the movie. Look at how the Director juxtaposes sexy side glances from babes vs the narrow, focus driven gaze of Vin/Dom as he orders his favorite drink at the bar:

:16: Everything is right in the world, Vin Diesel has a Corona in his hands.

This was a video from Fast and Furious 5, which proves that Vin/Dom and Paul Walker's relationship is based on Corona. 

Another example from Fast and Furious 6. Dom and Paul and having a heart to heart on family, both new and old. What's the creative juice fueling this conversation? You guessed it, Corona!

Spoiler alert, at the end of Fast and Furious 6, the family is all back together. After someone says grace, everyone then shares a drink of Corona:

Truth be told. The Coronas I drank and enjoyed didn't get me far on my life's journey to become Dominic Toretto. They brought me joy, and the knowledge that can only be gained from someone who lives their life a quarter mile at a time. Plus, sometimes Vin/Dom isn't perfect. Let me give you an example, let's say you're Vin Diesel, you're on vacation in the Canary Islands, Spain, and you want a beer. Uh oh, Canary Islands do not import Corona. What do you do? YOU DEMAND A CORONA, YOU"RE VIN DIESEL, YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!! You don't fucking do this:

Also, WHY DOES THIS BURGER NOT HAVE ANY TOPPINGS???

The above picture breaks my heart, but it's necessary to show you that even Vin/Dom can make a mistake. He showed me how to have a good time, in the original Fast and Furious. He introduced me to the Corona lifestyle, the tao of LA BBQs, the essence of family/loyalty, and how you can judge someone based on how they sip a beer. I guess the point of all this is that I'm really looking forward to Fast and Furious 7.