SUPER AGGRESSIVE REVIEWS
  • Reviews
  • About
  • Contact

MOSTLY BEER, OCCASSIONALLY OTHER STUFF

ALL THIS SHIT IS CRAY

Hackers: Rollerblades, Computers, Life?

1/19/2016

0 Comments

 
I've never had an experience after watching a movie of wanting to get on my blades, hack the planet, and make some questionable wardrobe choices as much as after watching this glorious slice of 1995. 
Picture
Rollerblades: I had no clue New York was this fucking radical in the mid-1990s. Serious time, is this supposed to be what New York was like in 1995 or is this some alternate dimension where rollerblading is a socially acceptable form of transportation? The films Hackers, Airborne, and the Disney channel original Brink have a lot of apologizing to do for showing this farce of a universe to bright-eyed and subsequently beat up children of the 90s. Every single scene has a rollerblader in it. Really though. Every. Single. Scene.
Picture
Picture
Picture
It's not just blading on the street and shredding up some concrete either. There are rollerblade clubs. ROLLERBLADE CLUBS!
Picture
Just think of all the times you've said "let's roll out!" to your friends when you're ready to leave? How awesome would it be to actually mean it in a group of like-minded fruit booters? Everyone bladin it up, nobody able to go into a bar that has stairs, nobody able to take off their blades because it's inconvenient as fuck to carry sneakers with you at all times.

After establishing New York City as the epicenter of the rollerblade revolution, the movie furthers the plot that blades are awesome by giving the bad guy a skateboard. If nothing else, Hackers takes a very clear side in the rollerblade vs. skateboard war. 
Picture
Dade giving The Plague disc 4 of Oregon Trail.
Computers: The movie is called Hackers so they show us what that means, right? Of course! Everyone knows that hacking computers requires just as much graphic design skill as it does computer knowledge. After watching this movie I opened up my parent's computer, fought the urge to not go into a bunch of AOL chat rooms, and then typed "HACK" in the windows search function. I did not see a cool graphic design interface where I could just type a bunch of random shit to enter a tv studio or discover an animated DaVinci man with a creepy modified voice. Why did I think I would find these things? Because I was an idiot kid and because Hackers shows a ridiculously stylized version of the real thing.
Picture
I couldn't care less that this isn't actually what hacking looks like, that's not my problem with this at all. No, my problem is that I want to fucking do this! That's what I wish computers did without me having to learn a bunch of shit. In no way could I ever criticize a movie that made hacking and rollerblading look cool. Making one dumb thing look cool is a challenge. Hackers did it with two dumb things!

Magical realism: Hackers is a movie about navigating your path toward self-invention, finding your group of friends that lets you be yourself, and not being afraid to showcase your subversive culture. When everyone else is drinking at the party, you go in the back room to check out the latest computer with your friends.
Picture
Go ahead and be a fucking weirdo. This movie fucking rules. Hack the Planet.
0 Comments

Union Craft Double Duckpin IPA

1/3/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture

I had no idea what a duckpin was but I was intrigued by the can design and figured it had something to do with one of the greatest least athletic sports ever invented: bowling. Turns out, duckpin is a type of bowling popular on the east coast. The pins are smaller, fatter, and harder to knock down. The ball is the size of a large bocce ball (which coincidentally is another of the greatest least athletic sports) but the lane you throw it down is the same size of a standard bowling alley.
Picture
Duckpin Bowling
I've never tried duckpin bowling but its origin story is pretty fucking awesome. Apparently a bunch of drunk Baltimore Orioles started it in the early 1900s at a billiard and bowling hall they owned. The origin story is still in dispute because everyone was drunk at the time but some red-faced Oriole says he invented the game first and gave it its name. You'd kinda have to be drunk to claim to "invent" a new sport simply by making the equipment slightly smaller. That and adding a third rolling frame is the only fucking difference between duckpin and regular bowling. It's still popular in certain areas on the east coast because everyone is just perpetually drunk here and, aside from birthday parties, only the perpetually drunk seem to bowl on a regular basis. I don't really care who's whippersnapper of a grandpa did a line of coke and thought up this "new" game, I only care if it's fun or not. Since I've never duckpin bowled, I can only assume it's awesome because of its similarity to bowling and the rich, majestic cinematic history bowling occupies. 
Picture
The first movie I saw to feature bowling was Kingpin. It's a classic. Bill Murray, Woody Harrelson, and Randy Quaid occupying the same silver screen all while throwing turkeys was a dream come true. If you've seen the movie, you also know it gave us our first bowling finishing move: the Bill Murray strike.
Picture
Work it, Bill.
Oh how I pine for the thrill of that strike, the sexy hip thrust you want to make, the body building pose just itching to make an appearance. If you've never done this after a strike, or even a spare, I hope those missed opportunities will haunt you forever.
Picture
The second movie I ever saw to feature this illustrious sport was the Big Lebowski, the Cohen brothers classic that still delivers today. The only thing that actually makes sense in a movie with a thousand overlapping plot threads is the desire to go bowling after a rough day. This is the movie that inspired a generation of high schoolers to go back to the bowling alley, go to town on some chili fries, and roll down some pins while listening to the greatest hits of the 1970s. Additionally, it gave us the finest pre-bowling ritual of all time. Enter the Jesus.
Picture
The Jesus also gave us cinema history's second bowling finishing move:
Picture
Jesus Quintana
It took me a while to notice but Jesus Quintana is a fucking hipster. This fucker rides his fixie to the diner and takes instagram pictures with a DSLR camera.

That gif makes you angry because it doesn't finish. The urge to watch the whole scene on YouTube grows stronger with every unfinished leg grab. Grab your nearest purple one-piece and get your fucking ass to the bowling alley, bruh. 
Picture
There are plenty of articles out there comparing and contrasting these two cinema classics. However, the bottom line is that movies about bowling are hitting 1.000. What does this have to do with the beer? Beers about duckpin bowling are also hitting 1.000. 

Nose: Big Malt, Big Hops. Hops take on a tropical fruit aroma.
Body: You can definitely tell it's a double IPA but the 8.5 percent ABV is hidden well amongst the base malts.
Mouth: Smooth bitterness and maltiness throughout. The hops make the same tropical appearance at the end. This is a great beer.
0 Comments

    Archives

    August 2017
    April 2016
    January 2016
    October 2015
    September 2015
    May 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015

    Author

    These are my crazy thoughts on many varied topics. 

    Categories

    All
    ANIMALS
    BEER
    MOVIE REVIEW
    TV
    VIN DIESEL

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.