The darkest of beers with a roasty flavor and light coconut taste. Wish I could enjoy this on the islands.

First off, I wish I were drinking this out of a broken coconut. I'm not sure how you would attach a handle to the coconut but the beer's label tells me it's possible so I'll take them at their word. Also, the crack in the fermentation tank spilling out beer makes me think of the elevator scene in The Shining. Except replace the blood with porter. And no creepy twin girls. And no tricycle kid. Alright, that analogy was a stretch. Maui Brewing Company claims their beers are brewed with Aloha. They can brew with whatever the fuck they want, as long as their other beers are this delicious. Yet, I can't help but wonder what that aloha really means. These days, pop culture has a recipe for characters that wear Hawaiian (or Aloha) shirts: If you're the Simpsons, the only two types of people that can wear Hawaiian shirts are fat dudes and party animals. That pretty much simplifies the formula down to bros in college. Well, what if you're not super fat, not in college, and not a party animal? Well, aside from being a fucking loser, you may be in luck!

The picture above is Elvis posing for the Blue Hawaii soundtrack. Although wikipedia tells me Hawaiian shirts had been popular since the 1930s in Hawaii and that their popularity extended to sailors returning to the mainland during the 1940s and 1950s, Elvis put that shit on the map. What zeitgeist didn't start with the King? Blue Hawaii was released in 1961. Just like that, Hawaiian shirts were the shit! An entire beach-themed movie genre was born out of this moment. Before Hawaiian shirts the Beach Boys were a bunch of preppy weiners who probably regularly used the term "bone zone". After they donned Hawaiian shirts, they were surf legends!

Coolness rating: 10

We next meet a Hawaiian shirt on lovable slacker Jeff Spicoli in the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High. What's happened in the last 20 years? Spicoli, ahead of his time, recognizes the subversive nature of wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a tie to a school function in which the dress code is semi-formal. While not a cool thing to do, it is most definitely a statement on the stultifying times that the disco movement ushered in for history's most jaded generation. Rock on, Spicoli. Rock on.

Coolness rating: 5 for actual coolness, 8 for performance artiness

I'm trying to do a timeline thing here but I had no idea Scarface was actually made after Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Tony Montana, casually walking through the streets of Miami with his trusty red Hawaiian shirt and his gun, was on top of the world. While Spicoli evoked a subversive take on the classic cool of a Hawaiian shirt, Tony Montana made it dangerous. Also, red, with hints of white, is a good color for hiding blood and cocaine. Where else can you find that combo but in a Hawaiian shirt? So versatile. 

Coolness rating: 8. All the cocaine in the world can't bring down this fashion statement.

If Elvis brought a little cool to the Hawaiian shirt and Tony Montana brought a little danger to the shirt then Tom Selleck as Magnum P.I. was the perfect love child of that relationship. Just look at the danger in the above photo. LOOK! He's only using three, THREE, buttons on his shirt. I feel like his chest pubes are just aching for more exposure. He's also looking straight into the camera, in a classic Selleck power move pose. He's the physical embodiment of a Facebook "poke". And his coolness factor knows no end. This is the height of the Hawaiian shirt. Danger? Yes. Cheap thrills? Yes. Eerily reminiscent of your father, but in all the cool ways? Yes. Holy Shit.

Coolness rating: 10. It's Tom Fucking Selleck idiots.

Where was there to go but down? Chunk, while you may be Good Enough for Cyndi Lauper, you're still a curly-headed fuck to me. You've walked right into the Simpsons paradox, you son of a bitch. You've taken what could have been the cover of TLC's Crazy.Sexy.Cool album and become the embodiment of a lovable loser. As Troy yells at the wishing well scene, "YOU GOONIE!". Which, by the way, is a fucking weird insult. What the fuck is that word anyways? Also, when they were pulling up the bucket, were they thinking Andy was on the bucket? There's no fucking way. They were barely pulling that thing and seemed surprised when it was empty? Troy is the fucking worst.

Coolness rating: 2, sorry Chunk.

Goonies took us through 1985 and Raising Arizona is set two years later in 1987. Nicolas Cage, while playing a lovable loser, has a dangerous, if not aloof, side to him as well. It's coming back! Leave it to Nic Cage to make everything cool again. His chest hair and mustache game is on point as well. The zaniness of a Hawaiian shirt is coming into the picture with this movie. He's a little bit Spicoli, Scarface, and Chunk (mostly Spicoli and Chunk) all wrapped in one. The rebuilding of the brand is in full force! Progress is inevitable!

​Coolness rating: 7. He's Nic Cage. Fucking NICOLAS CAGE.

Oh great, this guy has to fucking ruin it. What an open butt. His face looks like his ass in this picture and his open, messy, stupid design of a shirt exudes a certain "kick me in the nuts" vibe. I get it, Ace Ventura is an over-the-top character. His over-the-topness here is in full force. So is his hair boner. But the Hawaiian shirt? Thanks a lot, Hollywood. You've taken something from cool to lazy to dangerous to cool and dangerous to spectacle to dumbass. AAAARRRGGGHHHH. One fell swoop and a parody of Magnum P.I. becomes the cultural norm for the next 20 years whenever you think of a Hawaiian shirt. If you pretend you just punched Ace Ventura in the throat, it makes the above picture tolerable.

​Coolness rating: 1

Can a beer taste roasty and sweet at the same time? Can a Hawaiian shirt still be dangerous and cool at the same time? The answers to both are a resounding: YES. The Coconut Porter is an example of doing two things very well. It's the Magnum P.I. of beers and it tastes delicious when I find it in my mustache two hours later.

Nose: Definitely get the coconut.
Body: Dark malts give this a heavy lift and creamy finish.
Mouth: Dry bitterness at the finish but it goes well with the roast and sweet of the coconut. This beer is delicious!

 I know what you're thinking: Oh great, another super hard to find beer, awesome, how original. Well, shut the fuck up. I wanted to try this and I liked it. So there. The first rule of SuperAggressiveReviews is that we do not apologize. You can't ask the Cobra Kai Dojo to apologize without expecting a round house kick to the scrot. Same as it ever was with SAR. On to the beer...

The label above says that this beer is an "intensely hopped and gushing undead pale ale". I don't know what the fuck that means. In terms of the hops, it's true there is a strong hop intensity. What is a gushing undead pale ale? I know what a gushing undead is:

However, this beer doesn't taste like a shitty character who can incomprehensibly talk in Return of the Living Dead. It tastes delicious. Where does this association with Zombies come from? Why would they want to name their beer after a zombie? Granted, when 3 Floyds Brewery created this beer in the late 90s/early 2000s this wasn't even the title of the beer. Cenotaph is the original name of Zombie Dust. A Cenotaph is a greek word that means "empty grave". It's a monument to people who have died elsewhere, a common occurrence in the ancient world when you cared more about the memory than the physicality of a person. How does this relate to beer? How does this relate to the folks who drink their beer?

In the Night of the Living Dead, George Romero turns the zombie paradigm on its head and creates ghouls that rise from the grave and feast on the living. There were a shit-ton of zombie movies before Night of the Living Dead but almost every single zombie created after it has borne elements of its influence. Ok, neat trick. Why do I care? Because popular culture has pervasively shown you that we contain elements of the living dead and our triumph is in defeating them:

"They're coming to get you, Barbara..."
Ben: "Now get the hell down the cellar. You can be the boss down there but I'm the boss up here!"

Think about that. That first quote is one of the first things said in the movie and turns a joke into a nightmare for the main character. That second line shows that even in the midst of total upheaval, the social mores of the day hold true.

In 1990, a George Romero approved remake was released. Barbare was reinvigorated as a strong character who undergoes a dramatic change throughout the movie. Her summation of the problem is the characterization of our pop-culture of the day:

Barbara (pointing to the living dead): "They're us. We're them and they're us."

This was even before everyone was fucking tied to their cellphone all day. Technology's greatest curse to modern society is the inherent memory loss it causes

"We're coming to get you, Barbara!"

The tides have turned, we may have been lifeless duds before the zombies took over but now we have life. Unless you're a total slacker, then you'll turn into a zombie. (Spoiler alert, fuck you).

Walking Dead is the ultimate survival tale. Instead of stopping just after the plague hits, the series tackles the issues of what it means to live in a world where rescue isn't coming and the dead are a constant reminder of your mortality. My favorite quote so far:

"We're not them. They're not us and we're not them"

That was from Season 5 when everyone was down about a certain character just dying (not spoiler alert, everyone dies all the fucking time in that show).

This walk through zombie lane isn't just a place for me to reminisce about fun zombie movies. It's to get at the heart of why an upcoming beer company would name their aggressively hopped west coast style pale ale Cenotaph. Is this beer a reminder of something that's not there? Or perhaps that Zombie Dust is a reminder of triumph over the shitty beer we've been used to drinking? 3 Floyds' philosophy is to capture the many amazing styles of beer that come from just four simple ingredients: water, malt, hops, yeast. To create a seemingly infinite amount of variety from four ingredients is an innovation from the beer of yesteryear. But, there are limits. This beer tastes great, but it's not incredibly epic. No matter how fucking hard it is to find this beer, it's not epic. This beer is the result of four ingredients pushed to their limits but still maintaining equilibrium. Is it a shout out to our own failure to live life to the fullest until we can't anymore? Is that way too deep for a fucking review about beer that's super hard to find? I don't know. Does the name Zombie Dust make me think of that crazy ass potpouri shit that makes dudes eat other dudes' faces? Yes. Are they us, and we them? Nope. All I know is that everybody tryin to get this beer like:

Nose: Citrus and slight sweetness.

Body: A little malty sweetness but it's very smooth.

Mouth: Dry bitterness but an overall citrus flavor that begs for another sip. This beer tastes like a pine tree grew a grapefruit. It's fucking delicious.