Okay it’s been an incredibly long time since the last post. I think it’s because I saw the movie Little Monsters and still haven’t felt safe to go in the outside world. Yes, Little Monsters, the 1989 kid’s movie starring Fred Savage and Howie Mandel. You know how when you re-watch a movie from your youth for nostalgic purposes but then discover that there’s a whole load of shit that went over your head? Little Monsters did this on a whole other level.
Little Monsters is your classic story of an unconventional friendship between two kindred spirits. But this movie is a super fucked up version. Your first indication things are entirely fucked up is that Brian, Fred Savage’s character, loves eating peanut butter and onion sandwiches. Your second indication that this movie is fucked up is that the monster Maurice, Howie Mandel’s character, is an unabashed sexual deviant. Numerous scenes show Maurice pleasuring himself in front of Brian. 

​From golden showers

To demonstrating technique

Maurice was a real perv. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s heavily implied that both Brian and Maurice were on coke the entire movie.

​This is Brian at school one day

This is Maurice during one of their nightly romps probably licking coke off his hand.

The whole movie is a creep-fest where you always feel one scene away from Maurice showing Brian his dick. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t totally go there. While Maurice is deserving of some blame for my mental state after watching this movie, it really gets pulled into picture when you see Snik and Boy, the two leaders of the monster world and their interactions with Eric, Brian’s brother in the movie. More on that later.

​Okay, so Brian discovers the monsters after his little brother, Eric, sees one and blames it for all the strange missing items around the house. Brian sets a trap for Maurice by just putting one fucking bag of Doritos on his bed and it totally fucking works.

​Brian quickly befriends Maurice and thus begins Maurice’s fetish-fest as he shows Brian all the ways he plays with his victims.

Soon after, Brian hangs out a bunch with Maurice doing weird shit together and comes to discover that he is turning into a monster, probably because at this point he has touched Maurice’s penis. We can’t know for sure though. Anyways, Brian doesn’t want to remain a monster and vows to never go down into the monster world (which is visited by going underneath anyone’s bed). Like so.

​Enter Snik and Boy. This is Snik. Snik is a creepy fuck of a monster who doesn’t have a neck and so he has to turn his body in order to look around him. His main move for people who bug him is to rip their heads off.

After you're done taking a shower to wash all whatever the fuck that was off of you, please let's continue. ​This is Boy.

He’s the leader and he’s a mega fuck. His drug induced make up is barely hiding his smirky child pornographer’s face. He only wears sailor outfits made for rich young boys that have never sailed before. He is surrounded by toys but on more than one occasion he heavily implies that children are the best toys. He is King Deviant in this little molesters paradise. He makes me fucking sick.
​
See, as the leaders of this world, they want a new recruit. So Snik steals Eric in the hopes that they can trap Brian when he comes to save him. Let me take a moment to say this – the major conflict of the movie involves the kidnapping of a young boy and holding him hostage inside a toy chest. Also, while Eric is kidnapped they have heavily sedated him. Here’s a creepy fucking montage of Boy to give you eternal nightmares.

Brian, Maurice, and their friends eventually save the day and get Eric out of harm’s way. Not before, however, they murder Snik and Boy (that’s fine, no problem there) by setting them on fucking fire (yes seriously).
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This is a fucking disturbing movie and it was not a pleasant trip down memory lane. I give this movie zero stars and may god have mercy on the souls of everyone involved in the production of Little Monsters.

I've never had an experience after watching a movie of wanting to get on my blades, hack the planet, and make some questionable wardrobe choices as much as after watching this glorious slice of 1995. 

Rollerblades: I had no clue New York was this fucking radical in the mid-1990s. Serious time, is this supposed to be what New York was like in 1995 or is this some alternate dimension where rollerblading is a socially acceptable form of transportation? The films Hackers, Airborne, and the Disney channel original Brink have a lot of apologizing to do for showing this farce of a universe to bright-eyed and subsequently beat up children of the 90s. Every single scene has a rollerblader in it. Really though. Every. Single. Scene.

It's not just blading on the street and shredding up some concrete either. There are rollerblade clubs. ROLLERBLADE CLUBS!

Just think of all the times you've said "let's roll out!" to your friends when you're ready to leave? How awesome would it be to actually mean it in a group of like-minded fruit booters? Everyone bladin it up, nobody able to go into a bar that has stairs, nobody able to take off their blades because it's inconvenient as fuck to carry sneakers with you at all times.

After establishing New York City as the epicenter of the rollerblade revolution, the movie furthers the plot that blades are awesome by giving the bad guy a skateboard. If nothing else, Hackers takes a very clear side in the rollerblade vs. skateboard war. 

Computers: The movie is called Hackers so they show us what that means, right? Of course! Everyone knows that hacking computers requires just as much graphic design skill as it does computer knowledge. After watching this movie I opened up my parent's computer, fought the urge to not go into a bunch of AOL chat rooms, and then typed "HACK" in the windows search function. I did not see a cool graphic design interface where I could just type a bunch of random shit to enter a tv studio or discover an animated DaVinci man with a creepy modified voice. Why did I think I would find these things? Because I was an idiot kid and because Hackers shows a ridiculously stylized version of the real thing.

I couldn't care less that this isn't actually what hacking looks like, that's not my problem with this at all. No, my problem is that I want to fucking do this! That's what I wish computers did without me having to learn a bunch of shit. In no way could I ever criticize a movie that made hacking and rollerblading look cool. Making one dumb thing look cool is a challenge. Hackers did it with two dumb things!

Magical realism: Hackers is a movie about navigating your path toward self-invention, finding your group of friends that lets you be yourself, and not being afraid to showcase your subversive culture. When everyone else is drinking at the party, you go in the back room to check out the latest computer with your friends.

Go ahead and be a fucking weirdo. This movie fucking rules. Hack the Planet.