People Mary Killed on Downton Abbey: A Retrospective

Where to even begin with this fucking show. Wasn’t it just fabulous at showing how our modern sense of self is tied to the people around us, no matter their station in life? Hell no. This show was a gruesome look into the mind of a sociopath. Mary Grantham-Crawley-Racecar Driver is not just an emotional serial killer, sometimes she blood lusts for the real thing. Conservatively, Mary is responsible for the death of three people, and possibly one dog.

Death #1: The Turkish Diplomat
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Funeral veil on? Check.

It's 1913 and Mary is hungry. A fox hunt gave her the whiff of blood and now her blood lust knows no end. Poor Kemal. A lowly Turkish diplomat on his way to a conference to ensure statehood for Albania. I don't think Mary meant to kill this man, I just think she couldn't help it. Kemal was the one who entered Mary's bedroom in the middle of the night. Mary just didn't know how cold-blooded her vagina could be when it sucked the life out of Kemal.

Strangely, Kemal died ass up. What the fuck was going on here? There's no way to view this scene *ahem* Anna and Lady Crawley, and not think that something weird just happened. Is Mary gloating? She could have taken care of the body herself. It's 1913, I'm sure people died all the fucking time in someone's bedroom. Mary is just gloating at this point. See? Look what I've done. Notice me! What an attention seeking ass.

This is the death of a man whose soul has been taken.

Just to be clear, this is definitely not the best way to transport a body. Also, at this point just drop the bed sheet and let him wang jangle down the hallway. No shame in that.

Death #2: Matthew Crawley

Lavinia gets the Spanish Flu. Mary masters biological warfare.

Poor, sweet Lavinia. The death of Matthew Crawley begins here. To kill such an august gentleman, you must first break him. Matthew came back from WWI a broken man. Lavinia, his fiance at the time, built him back up to full health. How fun, a challenge. Mary has been plotting away and digging an emotional pit for Matthew to fall into. When Lavinia hears of Matthew's love for another, she is broken. Mary takes this opportunity to rub flu germs all over Lavinia when she's sleeping and the next thing we know? Lavinia is dead. I can't prove that Mary rubbed the germs on Lavinia but it's assuredly true. Lavinia is dead. Matthew is broken again. Next stop on this kill train? Matthew.

Last thought? This is all Mary's fault.

So you've saved Downton by forcing your new husband to spend his inheritance to get your father out of a bad investment. You've given birth to the new heir of Downton. You no longer need Matthew's seed. Time to murder him.

Seriously, moments after Mary gives birth, Matthew is dead. Matthew was not an accomplished driver. In 1921, cars required a great deal of focus to safely operate. Mary knows this and calculates that there would be a great likelihood of death if Matthew drives alone back to Downton after seeing his new son. Death is inevitable. The blood on Mary's hands grows darker.

Death #3: Lord Grantham

Lord Grantham has a stomach problem. He says he's been stressed lately due to his mother and wife arguing about the local hospital. Under the surface, something more devious is occurring. Mary has always been Lord Grantham's favorite. He admits many times in the show he's got a blind spot toward her. Mary knows her father just wants her to be happy and that her constant resting bitch face is upsetting him. We know two things for sure: Mary is an accomplished biological weapons specialist and ulcers are caused by bacteria. All it takes is Mary to slip a little H. pylori in Robert's meal and amp up the bitch face. The result?

Mary, dear God, what have you done! You've ruined the dinner party, possibly the evening, and Cora's expensive outfit. You know how pissed Carson gets when blood is all over the tablecloth, have you no decency? Robert, completely unaware of what's going on finally gets it as his life flashes before his eyes. He's not dead. He doesn't die in this season. But this bacteria will kill him before the year is out.

Seen here, Robert is trying to look up at his daughter. He knows in his heart that she is the cause of this. Mary is pleased. She has satiated her blood fill for now.

So, she's killed a couple people. Who cares?! It's the roaring '20s, everyone is a little guilty of murder these days. Edith cares. Edith knows. Edith waits.

Smile the pain away, Lady Edith.

Mary's murderous soul has its polar counterpart in Edith but Mary makes it her mission to turn the world against her sister. She has convinced her father that Edith is going to die an old maid, she has convinced the servants that Edith does not exist, and she has convinced Edith's suitors that she's a welfare queen. Fuck you Mary! Edith is a saint! So what if she was duped by a burned-face guy, stole a baby from a local farmer, turned her fiance into a nazi, and learned how to drive a car. She's still a lady of Downton!

​Don't you dare give Edith an eye roll!

Dammit! Don't you dare influence your Mother to scoff at Edith.

For Christ's sake, Mary! Even the Dowager Countess literally can't even.

That's right. She literally can't even. She speaks the truth. Mary will become a ghost that haunts Downton forever. Her deadly vagina, piercing glare, sniveling face, and general demeanor are best summed up by her sister's appraisal. Take it away, Edith.

Also, Mary probably killed Sybil. And Isis. And the guy in Season 1 who died on the Titanic. And William. And probably William's father. Possibly Marigold as well. She fed the pigs poison. Definitely killed that racecar driver guy who was burned alive. And also probably gave Lord Gillingham an STD.

​#RIP