Maui Coconut Porter

The darkest of beers with a roasty flavor and light coconut taste. Wish I could enjoy this on the islands.

First off, I wish I were drinking this out of a broken coconut. I'm not sure how you would attach a handle to the coconut but the beer's label tells me it's possible so I'll take them at their word. Also, the crack in the fermentation tank spilling out beer makes me think of the elevator scene in The Shining. Except replace the blood with porter. And no creepy twin girls. And no tricycle kid. Alright, that analogy was a stretch. Maui Brewing Company claims their beers are brewed with Aloha. They can brew with whatever the fuck they want, as long as their other beers are this delicious. Yet, I can't help but wonder what that aloha really means. These days, pop culture has a recipe for characters that wear Hawaiian (or Aloha) shirts: If you're the Simpsons, the only two types of people that can wear Hawaiian shirts are fat dudes and party animals. That pretty much simplifies the formula down to bros in college. Well, what if you're not super fat, not in college, and not a party animal? Well, aside from being a fucking loser, you may be in luck!

Elvis - Blue Hawaii

The picture above is Elvis posing for the Blue Hawaii soundtrack. Although wikipedia tells me Hawaiian shirts had been popular since the 1930s in Hawaii and that their popularity extended to sailors returning to the mainland during the 1940s and 1950s, Elvis put that shit on the map. What zeitgeist didn't start with the King? Blue Hawaii was released in 1961. Just like that, Hawaiian shirts were the shit! An entire beach-themed movie genre was born out of this moment. Before Hawaiian shirts the Beach Boys were a bunch of preppy weiners who probably regularly used the term "bone zone". After they donned Hawaiian shirts, they were surf legends!

Coolness rating: 10

Jeff Spicoli - Fast Times at Ridgemont High

We next meet a Hawaiian shirt on lovable slacker Jeff Spicoli in the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High. What's happened in the last 20 years? Spicoli, ahead of his time, recognizes the subversive nature of wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a tie to a school function in which the dress code is semi-formal. While not a cool thing to do, it is most definitely a statement on the stultifying times that the disco movement ushered in for history's most jaded generation. Rock on, Spicoli. Rock on.

Coolness rating: 5 for actual coolness, 8 for performance artiness

Tony Montana - Scarface

I'm trying to do a timeline thing here but I had no idea Scarface was actually made after Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Tony Montana, casually walking through the streets of Miami with his trusty red Hawaiian shirt and his gun, was on top of the world. While Spicoli evoked a subversive take on the classic cool of a Hawaiian shirt, Tony Montana made it dangerous. Also, red, with hints of white, is a good color for hiding blood and cocaine. Where else can you find that combo but in a Hawaiian shirt? So versatile. 

Coolness rating: 8. All the cocaine in the world can't bring down this fashion statement.

Magnum P.I., mustache, chest hair

If Elvis brought a little cool to the Hawaiian shirt and Tony Montana brought a little danger to the shirt then Tom Selleck as Magnum P.I. was the perfect love child of that relationship. Just look at the danger in the above photo. LOOK! He's only using three, THREE, buttons on his shirt. I feel like his chest pubes are just aching for more exposure. He's also looking straight into the camera, in a classic Selleck power move pose. He's the physical embodiment of a Facebook "poke". And his coolness factor knows no end. This is the height of the Hawaiian shirt. Danger? Yes. Cheap thrills? Yes. Eerily reminiscent of your father, but in all the cool ways? Yes. Holy Shit.

Coolness rating: 10. It's Tom Fucking Selleck idiots.

Chunk - The Goonies

Where was there to go but down? Chunk, while you may be Good Enough for Cyndi Lauper, you're still a curly-headed fuck to me. You've walked right into the Simpsons paradox, you son of a bitch. You've taken what could have been the cover of TLC's Crazy.Sexy.Cool album and become the embodiment of a lovable loser. As Troy yells at the wishing well scene, "YOU GOONIE!". Which, by the way, is a fucking weird insult. What the fuck is that word anyways? Also, when they were pulling up the bucket, were they thinking Andy was on the bucket? There's no fucking way. They were barely pulling that thing and seemed surprised when it was empty? Troy is the fucking worst.

Coolness rating: 2, sorry Chunk.

H.I. McDunnogh - Raising Arizona

Goonies took us through 1985 and Raising Arizona is set two years later in 1987. Nicolas Cage, while playing a lovable loser, has a dangerous, if not aloof, side to him as well. It's coming back! Leave it to Nic Cage to make everything cool again. His chest hair and mustache game is on point as well. The zaniness of a Hawaiian shirt is coming into the picture with this movie. He's a little bit Spicoli, Scarface, and Chunk (mostly Spicoli and Chunk) all wrapped in one. The rebuilding of the brand is in full force! Progress is inevitable!

​Coolness rating: 7. He's Nic Cage. Fucking NICOLAS CAGE.

Ace Venutra - Pet Detective

Oh great, this guy has to fucking ruin it. What an open butt. His face looks like his ass in this picture and his open, messy, stupid design of a shirt exudes a certain "kick me in the nuts" vibe. I get it, Ace Ventura is an over-the-top character. His over-the-topness here is in full force. So is his hair boner. But the Hawaiian shirt? Thanks a lot, Hollywood. You've taken something from cool to lazy to dangerous to cool and dangerous to spectacle to dumbass. AAAARRRGGGHHHH. One fell swoop and a parody of Magnum P.I. becomes the cultural norm for the next 20 years whenever you think of a Hawaiian shirt. If you pretend you just punched Ace Ventura in the throat, it makes the above picture tolerable.

​Coolness rating: 1

Can a beer taste roasty and sweet at the same time? Can a Hawaiian shirt still be dangerous and cool at the same time? The answers to both are a resounding: YES. The Coconut Porter is an example of doing two things very well. It's the Magnum P.I. of beers and it tastes delicious when I find it in my mustache two hours later.

Nose: Definitely get the coconut.
Body: Dark malts give this a heavy lift and creamy finish.
Mouth: Dry bitterness at the finish but it goes well with the roast and sweet of the coconut. This beer is delicious!